


What Do You Want?

by milesheizclub



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24884128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milesheizclub/pseuds/milesheizclub
Summary: Alex has been distant again, so when Charlie gets a weird note amidst all this confusion, he expects the worst.orWhat I wanted to have happen the day before (and also during the week leading up to) Charlie wakes up in Alex’ bed.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 23
Kudos: 118





	What Do You Want?

**Author's Note:**

> *un-beta’d as usual. I really love Chalex and it has touched a part of my heart that has affected me, oddly, much more than even Justlex and Zalex. So please be kind. Lmao

When Charlie found out Alex wanted to meet in the park after school, his heart sank a little. He got the address and exact tree they were supposed to meet under on a little note slipped into his gym locker after practice. A little more eery than he was used to with Alex, but just as mysterious.

They were figuring things out, but it had undoubtedly been difficult for Charlie. Alex had kissed him back during the drills, and then pushed him away. Then the riot had happened, and he thought they were closer than ever. They’d been good; they were seeing each other often for the first few days, and Alex seemed… happy. He thought he was making Alex happy. He thought that Alex coming to look for him and help him during the riot was a sign that he really cared. But suddenly the distance returned, and the messages turned cryptic, and it was like they were back to square one.

It took a while for Charlie to spot him once he got to the park, but there he was, sitting cross-legged at the base of the tree, playing with the blades of grass before him, or rather, ripping them off one by one. Charlie dug his hands into his jacket pockets, and took his time walking to Alex. It wasn’t every day that he felt nervous to talk to anyone, but Alex was definitely different. He was special. And he was special to Charlie.

As soon as Charlie’s shoe stepped into Alex’ line of sight, the boy looked up from his patch of grass straight into Charlie’s blue eyes. He smiled a little, and it reached his eyes, but something else resided there and it made Charlie’s heart beat quicker. Alex pat the space on the ground beside him quietly, and Charlie took a seat a few inches away from him.

They sat there, simple and silent, for a few minutes, Alex continuing to rip up the grass in front of him, giving a couple of blades to Charlie, which prompted the perfectly gentleman “thank you” out of him, and Alex chuckled.

“I’m sorry about the past few days,” Alex started. He was speaking like he found determination, though his hands turned timid and quiet. Charlie tried to look at him, but Alex stared off into the distance. “I know that I’ve been… gone. It wasn’t fair to you, I know, and…” Alex paused, brows furrowed and eyes trained to the ground. “I hate that I did that.” His voice had diminished and Alex started ripping up the grass once again, leaving a bald spot in the soil.

Charlie badly wished to take Alex’ hands in his, to have him look him in the eyes again, to reassure him that everything was alright. But he waited.

“I don’t know if it hurt you, but,”

“It did.” Charlie couldn’t help it coming out of his mouth, and maybe it had come out more aggressively than he thought because Alex winced and clenched his fists. “Fuck,” Charlie mumbled. “I’m sorry,” he followed.

“Don’t be.” Alex’ breathing grew more staggered. “You shouldn’t be sorry about that.”

The silence that followed lasted another few minutes, Alex getting his breathing back to normal, and Charlie kicking himself on being so careless, pushing back when he didn’t need to. He wanted to reach out, but what if Alex retreated and pushed him away even further? It was the last thing he wanted, so he offered his hand instead, laying it facing up on the grass between them.

Alex glanced at it and took it immediately, giving Charlie’s hand a light squeeze, and Charlie let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“ _I’m_ sorry,” Alex said, shaking his head lightly. “I’m really sorry.” Charlie chanced a glance and saw Alex screwing his eyes shut.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Charlie said.

“No, it’s not.” Alex released his tight grip on Charlie’s hand but it let it rest beside, just barely touching. “I… _want this_. I want this with you, I want _you_ more than you think.” His hand twitched and pulled back a few millimeters. “I really do care about you. So much. And if I let you in… that comes with a whole lot of shit that you shouldn’t have to deal with. I don’t want to put you through anything that has to do with me. I…” His mind was racing, Charlie could tell, by the way Alex’ eyes shifted behind his closed eyelids, and the way his breathing never really got a chance to slow down. “I’m a fucked up person and… Jesus, this sounds so fucking three-years-ago of me, but I just don’t deserve you.”

“Hey,” Charlie said immediately, shifting and turning to sit directly in front of Alex. “Please look at me?”

Alex refused, keeping his gaze trained on the bare ground in front of him. Charlie didn’t budge, giving the boy time. Alex instead brought Charlie’s hand closer to him, clearing his throat.

“It’s taken me these last few years, thinking about the things I’ve done, and the person I was, and the kind of person I wanna be, I’m _trying_ to be, to figure out what feels right for me to have in this life.” He tightened his grip on Charlie’s hand, who readily reciprocated. “I’ve… allowed myself an amount of _happiness_ , moving forward, and you’re… too much for me.”

“Alex…”

“Charles Hayden.” Alex finally lifted his eyes to meet Charlie’s once again, a bitter smile gracing his soft face, “Sweet Charles. I can’t be that selfish. Not anymore. Not when being selfish almost ruined my entire life and everyone else’s around me. The people I actually gave a shit about.” His voice started to get caught in his throat, and he gave Charlie’s hand another squeeze. A tear built up in Alex’ eye, and it took everything in Charlie to not reach up and wipe it away before it fell. “I was… a scam artist,” he continued. “A thief. And I’m trying very hard to change that. I feel like I’m finally on a path that’s safe, and feels like what I deserve for what I’m worth. Getting to keep you, too? It’s too much. I’d spend my whole life giving as much of myself as I can, and it still wouldn’t feel enough to afford you. It’d feel too much of like what I was.”

“Selfish?” Charlie asked after a moment.

Alex nodded. “A thief,” he confirmed. “Like I’d have kept something from the world that never should have been mine in the first place. Precious. The way _you_ are.” He tore his eyes away from Charlie’s and trained them to the smattering of trees in the distance.

Charlie was speechless. All this time, the inconsistency, the distance - it wasn’t that Alex was drifting away from him, it’s that he’d been fighting for him. Fighting _himself_ to hold on to this. And he’d convinced himself he’d already lost the fight.

Charlie scooted forward so that their shoulders touched but he could still face Alex. He worked up the nerve to lift up his hand and gently caress Alex’ cheek. Feeling Charlie’s hand against his skin, he closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. Charlie could feel the faint pulse against Alex’ jaw, and it was racing as fast as his. It took his breath away when Alex opened his eyes back up. He’d never seen them so open and…

“I’m scared,” Alex whispered, searching Charlie’s face.

“Of what?” Charlie asked, tenderly, taking the chance to wipe away the tear that had just fallen from Alex’ eye. “Of me?” Alex just stared back at him, as if scared to even speak.

“I’m scared I’ll ruin you. Somehow. Like I did them. I’ll make another fucking mistake and then…” He didn’t continue. Charlie didn’t notice it at first, but when they leaned their foreheads together and closed their eyes, he could feel Alex’ more labored breaths against his face as the smaller boy rubbed his own chest through his shirt. He gave Alex more time - to get his breath even, to get his mind to stop racing, and to get him to look at him once more. It took maybe ten minutes this time, their heads together and eyes remained closed, and Charlie snaking his hand around the back of Alex’ head and combing through his hair, humming a tune so softly until Alex eventually leaned up and looked at Charlie again.

“You’re not going to _ruin_ me,” Charlie finally replied. “I’m not so easily breakable, you know that.”

“That’s not what I thought when I saw you lying on the ground, unconscious.”

Charlie chuckled. “And you saved my life, see? Literally the opposite of ruining me.”

“I didn’t save your life, I moved you like two inches before the car explo-“

“ _My point is_ ,” Charlie cut him off, bringing his other hand up to Alex’ face, keeping their gaze steady, “that I feel safe with you, Alex. I can trust you. You’ve gone through so much, and you keep moving with love. You’re… amazing to me.

“You don’t have to go through life… without me. We can move forward together. And if you make a mistake, I’ll let you fix it… but only if you let me do the same. Or, we could decide right now to fix it together. Whatever wrong thing happens. We could be in this together, Alex. Please.” He leaned in to close the distance and gave the boy the softest kiss, relieving Alex’ shoulders of its weight and letting him breathe into it, lighter and more alive. Alex grabbed onto Charlie’s arms desperately, grasping tightly to his sweater. And when the two broke away, they stayed close, breathing each other’s air.

The first time Alex reached up and snaked his hand around Charlie’s head, nestling it in his hair, it sent shivers down Charlie’s skin and woke up the little hairs at the back of his neck and around his arms.

“It’s going to be difficult,” Alex said. “I might make it difficult.”

Charlie clicked his tongue and smiled. “Not on purpose, I hope.”

“Of course not.” Alex’ eyebrows turned to knots once again, and Charlie couldn’t help but laugh and thumb the wrinkles back down.

“Difficult is a normal thing. So, we can just be normal. And I’m really looking forward to that.” Charlie kissed the tip of his nose, and it was the first time in days that he’d seen Alex’ smile reach his glistening, cloudy blue eyes. “There we go,” he whispered before giving Alex a chaste kiss.

“This conversation isn’t over, by the way,” Alex said.

“And I’d keep talking to you for as long as you want me to.” Charlie smiled.

“Do you… wanna come back home with me? My parents are out for the night, so… we could talk there? Maybe you could sleep over?” He seemed uncertain to Charlie, but that Alex wanted to bring him home to any extent warmed his chest. He shot up out of the ground and dusted off the back of his pants, and offered his hand to help Alex up.

Alex rolled his eyes and flashed him another smile before taking his hand, letting himself be pulled up, once again surprised at how strong Charlie truly was. And as they walked to Charlie’s car, and as his hand received a reassuring squeeze, Alex figured Charlie to be stronger than he’d given him credit for, and that maybe being a little less afraid wouldn’t be so bad.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review! Reviews are chocolate doughnuts and coffee! :D


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